This is soooo fucking funny
(Source: neurotichumor)
I fucking suck
[video]
In episode one I am going to rekindle my friendships from high school and college, share my wonderful sense of humor, give friendly advice, and do alot of good stuff like that…. sadly episode one will begin to take on an ugly twist as I begin to stop taking my medication, become psychotic, and begin to piss off people one by one making them feel very uncomfortable as I follow all of them intensely on facebook… I start noticing that I have lost many of my friends…. so I email them…. then when they email me back they say “Oh, I deactivated my facebook account and then joined again but I forgot to request you as a friend again
So this Cumquat was walking up and down the fucking beach and star fish were fucking everywhere…a shit load of them and that little motherfucker kept reaching his fat ass down and picked up one of those cocksuckers and threw it like a fucking little girl back into the ocean….I yelled at the peckerhead and said “Hey, shit for brains..you are wasting your God Damn time doing that bullshit..there are like a fuckload of these bastards laying all over the dumbass beach… how the fuck can a dickless wonder like you make a difference?” The fagsucker proxy reached down and started to say something about being a queerbag making a diff…I did not hear anything else he was saying on the account that I ran up to him and knocked him the fuck out ,I pissed on him and stole his wallet…now I can take my whore wife out to Red Lobster so she can get those fucking garlic cheese biscuits……
Too Soon?
[video]
“Before Walmart, you would have to buy a ticket to be able to see a bearded woman”
I found a great hole in the wall bar in Atlanta… so I visited it a bunch….anyway I noticed this great looking chick who would also be there about the same time every night….I finally worked up the courage to talk to her one night and before you know it we went back to her place. The sex was fantastic…after we both finished our business she got up to go to the bathroom as I sat there laying in her bed naked. I felt this sudden pressure below that felt like gas…usually I hold in those fuckers but since she was in the bathroom with the door closed I decided that she would never hear it so I pressed to release….unfortunately it was not gas….I had shit in her bed…without thinking I got up and wiped the rest of it off me with the shirt she was wearing that night and took her bedsheets and wrapped them up with her shirt and balled it up and put it way far back in her closet. I frantically put my clothes and bolted without saying goodbye. I fucking panicked… as I was walking down the sidewalk I thought to myself “why the fuck did I not bring the bedsheets with me to hide the evidence?”…I sometimes think about that to this day. Oh to be a fly on the wall when she came out of the bathroom and saw that I had left and her bedsheets were missing. I also see her going to her closet at some point and noticing the bed sheets sitting way back in the closet and to see her face as she undid the wrapped up sheets…….of course to this day…..I will never fucking go back to that hole in the wall bar…..